Posts Tagged ‘responsibility’

Before I get started on this Article let me put it in perspective for some of you more “foolish” souls, because that I feel it necessary to even clarify these coming words is disturbing to me in its own way. I do not condone in any way, shape or form involvements with a Minor in a sexual manner. Matter of fact personally I think adults sexually going after kids is sick, add incest into it and to me you need a hole – 6 ft under if I make myself clear.

I would hope that as a financial Domme you would not consider engaging in a sexual act for money with your submissives, because in that case you have crossed over into prostitution, which is an entirely different horse of a different color.
Again, take a good, hard look at the way I worded it. ENGAGING in a sexual act for money with your submissive, not if you are in an actual real time (couple) relationship with your submissive and financial domination is part of it.
I do not consider comparing your “parenting style” with your style as a Domme (remember this is fetish based) as crossing the line, because in neither occasion you should be sexually involved. Boy do I hope I made this clear, because the first ignorant comment I get, will be blasted.

In many ways, I as a Domme have to “raise” my new submissive to act and behave in a way that I find pleasing, acceptable and worthy of my name. I need to drill certain rituals and routines into them until they become second nature.
In many ways the behavior of a collared sub or even a sub under consideration, reflects back on the Domme. Be it fair or not, it is a fact.
Now let’s look at the way the world sees you and your offspring. Do they not also see the behavior of your youngsters and automatically judge you as the parent? Even up to these now so “enlightened” days that is still happening. Did you not also have to spend endless hours of having to teach them certain things?
Perhaps now you can start seeing the connection.

I have learned over time that when I deal with a submissive I often act, react, train, discipline, punish etc along the same principalities that I used in raising my kids. I would allow certain “mistakes” to happen for a certain amount of time, before I would invoke disciplinary actions, where as in other cases even one misstep would bring about instant disciplinary actions without mercy. I realized that I looked at their “confusion” to some of my Orders as often times an excuse to try to get out of things and so started acting the same way with them as I would with my offspring when I set down my Orders or Rules. By the end of this behavior, neither had an excuse in “I didn’t understand that” or “ I was confused”. By the time the Rule or Order is in affect there are no doubts left or you should have addressed them with me then.
To address this issue I will showcase to you my personal “parenting” style or submissive “training” style. Again none of the subjects, topics or areas are of a sexual nature, but rather everyday, normal, commonsense behaviors that allow us as Fetishists or BDSMer’s to actually live our Lifestyle of choice out in the open without fear of recrimination. I call it my Goddess Manners and acceptable behavior Rules.

#1 You will never wonder why I give an order or about the consequences if you disobey it.
The one thing that I find very annoying when witnessing with others is the tendencies for parents to tell their kids to do something that appears to make no sense. Even more so with an adult submissive you will run into a problem. If it doesn’t make sense to the Person they are less willing to get it done. I understand that in a perfect dream world of BDSM, you as the “superior” would only have to give the order and the person mindlessly will do it. That is actually not just stupid, but also in some cases dangerous.
Some orders should never have to be explained, but sadly in some cases what seems 100% obvious to you, may not seem that way to another person.
I made it a Rule when dealing with my kids that I always gave an order clearly, gave them reason why I made the Rule and also what would happen to them if they broke my Rule.
Since we are dealing with financial domination I will talk about a money rule. Being on time! When my Kids got old enough to earn their own money (allowances for chores, extra work they would do for me to make things easier for me, or little odd and end jobs they would do for friends and neighbors) they were fined when they were not on time coming home, for dinner, for an appointment etc.

A conversation would look something like this:
I, or anyone else, should never be made to wait if you can help it. You should always be on time or preferably a few minutes early. If you can’t be on time it is only polite to call and inform the person that you will be running behind and give them a choice to wait or reschedule with you. Remember that not only your life is important, but theirs too.
That was the Order. BE on Time for any appointment you have agreed to.

The usual objections: Something could have come up! Maybe I was delayed somewhere. I forgot to the time, because I was so busy. I didn’t know what time it was. They can wait a moment, if they agreed to meet me they didn’t have anything else to do. But others are always late. (Sounds familiar?)

The reinforcement: If something important came up you can call as soon as you know. You should ALWAYS give yourself plenty of time to get where you have to be, so leave early if you must. They agreed to make time for you, not that they didn’t have anything better to do. They honored you, but putting you first! Yes, and I never wait longer then 5 to 10 min. on anyone, before I walk away.

The Reasons for my Order: Number 1 politeness of course. It is highly annoying to me personally how others take your time for granted these days. Number 2, your being late may hinder that person in filling a promise they have made to someone else, because they have to wait on you and now look and feel bad. Your actions, cause a ripple effect.
And on your selfish level…you would not like to have it done to you!

The consequence: A Fine. I used to charge them 25 cents for every minute they were late, without calling me to let me know that they were going to be ok, why they were late and how late they would be. Starting at 5 minutes after the time I set. I did it then and it only took a few times, before they learned not to do that again. UP to this day (and my kids are all grown up and out of the house), when they have an appointment with me and are running late they call me to let me know what it going on. I of course have always given them the same courtesy.

With my submissives I hold it the same way. An assignment is due on time, a meeting is due on time. When I assign it to you, I always ask you first if you can get it done in time for me and once you say “Yes Ma’am.” the order is set. You have entered a verbal agreement with me, which is binding as far as I am concerned. Don’t get it turned in on time, don’t show up in time and you will be fined by me. Nothing will happen for you again until that fine is paid to me.

#2 Discipline is there not to be mean, but to teach you safe and correct behavior. I do it because I like / love you.
I seldom punish, but I do discipline frequently. As you grow in age and understanding those disciplinary actions will become less frequent, but more extreme as I know you should by now have learned better. Your freedoms and privilege will also increase as you learn to walk within my guidelines.

Every Parent hears this at least a few times in their life. “I hate you”, “You are so unfair”, “XYZ is allowed to do it, you just don’t want me to have fun.”, “if you cared about me, you wouldn’t punish me like that”.

The first time I heard the dreaded “I hate you” it almost ripped my heart apart. I knew it would come, but I was not prepared for it. The equivalent form of that sentence for a sub would be “You are a fucking Bitch!” or “Or I don’t want to serve you anymore”. Not because of legit reasons, but because he/she didn’t get their way.
Now for me, no matter how much it hurt I had to show them who was in charge. I could have simply did as so many others would have done and scream and yell at them, sent them to their rooms, threaten to wash their mouth out etc, or handle it the way I did.

I simply stood there and said “Thank you for letting me know, because now I can treat you differently then those that know I do this because I love them, not because I want to be mean.” It worked each time, my kids would stop in their tracks.

See here is your choice, you can either live by the Rules you agreed to uphold and be very comfortable, happy and content, or you can break them and either accept the discipline and learn from it or leave. “Ouch.”

Do I ever want to see any of them go? Of course not, but by putting it in perspective they understand that I won’t be pushed around. Again I had already explained my rules to them to begin with, so that excuse was null and void. By being consistent with my Discipline they knew that I meant business and were less tempted.

#3 Being disciplined, fined etc doesn’t make the Order Null and void. You are still responsible to get it done!

With my kids it was cleaning their room, doing the dishes or helping with the laundry. They figured if I fined them for not doing their chores when it was their turn, they had paid their way out of it. NO! You now have a double whammy. You lost money and you still have to get it done. Sorry Charlie!
Submissives I found are the same way. They figure that if I give them an Assignment, a deadline and they “forget about it” or “weren’t able to do it” and fined them for it, they are done and don’t have to do it anymore. After all they got fined right? NO, you got fined as a disciplinary action. I took money that you did not give freely to me in order to remind you to get the work part of your servitude to me done, but that doesn’t mean you paid your way out of it. I did agree to be hired to do it for you.
I simply expect it to be done the next time I check.

#4 Privileges have to be earned! Show me I can trust you!
My word is my credit and if you haven’t noticed that I talk a lot, explain a lot, teach a lot and show where I am coming from, than you need to go back to square one now please. I do not make promises that I don’t intent on holding. Yes, I do sometimes have to beg out because I can simply not get it done, but that is never without a very good reason. You will earlier hear me say, I will try to have it done then …it will be done. Once I say, ok I will do this. It is done period!
So as far as I am concerned I have proven myself over and over already again to those around me. Now it is your turn. Special privileges that you would not naturally have from me until I have seen you being dependable are one of those things with me.
With my kids it was a big ticket item they wanted, a pet maybe, longer times out in the evening or perhaps an outing with someone else. My leash “control” used to be very tight, but as they shown me that they could handle the responsibility that came with the privileges then I would let go a bit more. Let them have a bit more each time. With my submissives it is the same way. The longer and more faithfully they serve me, the less I have to discipline, the more they please me with thoughtful behavior which I don’t have to stand on, the deeper their privileges with me will become. I am much more giving and free with people who have proven their responsible and well mannered behavior towards me then those who just hold their hands out and “expect”.

As always my writing is copyright to me. If you would like to post it somewhere else, then please make certain you give me the credit for my words and a link back! Thank you.

No matter how much you care for another human being, no matter how much you try, there may come a time when you just have to accept that you are no longer compatible. This is a reality regardless if you are in a vanilla relationship or a D/s relationship.
Considering how much effort you have to pure into a D/s relationship, the honesty that is a requirement for both partners and often the “us against the world” attitude you have to adept in a day by day walk, breaking a D/s Relationship can be even harder then you first imagine.

The first issue both ends may be feeling is the guilt and feeling of responsibility for each other. After all you still care for that person you have connected with so deeply, but you have simply started going different directions. That can often happen when one of the partners can no longer handle the lifestyle for physical or emotional reasons. If one has started to get entirely too extreme then the other can handle. If the dominate has lost their personal power due to outside influences and in some cases due to outside influences. The memories of wonderful times shared are there, but the reality only makes those memories cause for depression. In most cases one or both sides is trying to hang on as long as they can. Remember that a D/s relationship is just like a “marriage’ in a sense only much deeper and more involved on both sides. A good dominate has learned to read the very breathing, the flinches, the way their submissives body is held and knows what that person needs. A submissive often by that point has learned to read the lift of the eyebrow, the look in the eyes, the slightest hand movement to understand what is required of him/her. That is not something you will find in most vanilla relationships.
The thing to remember here is that your first priority should be that your partner is happy and staying in an unsatisfactory or even toxic relationship is never good. Remember that there is a big difference between being submissive and co-dependent.

The misunderstanding that just because you are owned you can not undo the relationship.
No matter how restrictive your Rules are, as a Slave / Property you retain one right regardless. That is the right to leave the relationship. If you feel that you can no longer handle the place of servitude you are in and you need to remove your collar or ask to be released, your Owner may make sure you are certain you want to take that final step, but can not stop you from doing so. Likewise your Owner can dismiss you out of service if he/she feels you are no longer within your servitude or he/she can no longer fulfill their responsibilities as your Owner. If your Owner tries to stop you, you don’t walk you better run out of this relationship. Financial domination is no different in that fact. One of my Priests has asked me to release him from my service and the only answer he received was; “Are you certain that is what you want? This is final!” His answer was a yes and I released from my site and my service. Blessings on your journey little one.

Once you have ended the relationship, I advise you not to jump right of the bet into the next one. Of course if you are a His/Harem Keeper you may not find that so difficult, but it is still not advisable to try to replace the missing person right of the beginning. There comes a natural period of sorrow, doubt if you could have done better etc. (I am talking about longstanding relationships here and mostly real time as well). A word to the submissives – please don’t think just because you have been trained by your former Owner that you are not trained. If you find a new Mistress/Master in time, you will have to undergo a new training process. Often it is more difficult to train someone that has been in for a while and has already been owned before. Instead of a new clean slate, you at times have to undo some habits and thought patterns that you as the new Mistress may not find so pleasing.

Do not talk “shit” about your former partner unless of course their has been honest abuse. In that case I hope you warn anyone that is even thinking about taking that person on. However I see that a lot with broken relationships. Just because it did not work out for your, doesn’t mean that the person is a bad person suddenly. You have simply grown apart. Remember the good times and appreciate the devotion you have shared.

Allow yourself a time of reflection! Sit back and don’t ask your “friends” what they think. Your friends were not there 24/7 with you and they will often have jaded opinions. Look first to yourself and examine what has brought you to this place. Take time to understand your needs, fears and experiences. I always advise those beginning in BDSM to be brutally honest with them-selves. You should never hide your real nature from yourself, even if it scares and shocks you. If you can’t embrace who you are, nobody else we be able to do so either. If part of the reason you have lost your relationship was that you have noticed yourself more drawn to towards the opposite side (slave to Dom and reversed) don’t be too hard on yourself. Understand that there may be some in the future who will try to make your new to you orientation less legit because they consider them-selves “natural born” , but allow me my 2 cent opinion on that one please. Nobody is naturally born anything. You may have tendencies towards one end or the other, but in the end you will be at best “re-born” into your-self as you mature in age and experience. BDSM is a lifetime of learning and nobody is ever completely done.

Stay away from negative influences. At this stage you are most easily influenced and brought down. Yes even Dominates can suffer after a break up. Remember that we are People as well and not some sort of heartless milking machine that just wants to suck you dry. Right now you need neither falsely sweet “Friends” nor negative nellies.

Don’t jump the gun on breaking up. Remember that every relationship goes through some tough times. D/s is no different, matter of fact because of its intensity I would consider it even more likely. Communication between adults is never easy and depending on the “mentality” of the sub and Dom it can be often even more difficult, which is a shame. When communications break down in a D/s relationship it is often much more dangerous then in a vanilla relationship. In a D/s physical “hardships” are often part of the scene, not to mention the mental retraining of the submissive. So if you feel that D/s relationship fall or stagnate it is time for “free conversation” , with other words….”May I speak freely Ma’am!” Or slave it is time to speak freely!

If it can’t be fixed, don’t linger! Just staying around and hoping things will change again is futile after an extended period of time. If the issues have persisted and even gotten worst after several months and you are now instead of looking forward to being in your place hate the very thought of it, then please take the walk of honor. With other words, be truthful, respectful and depart.

D/s relationships can last a lifetime, but like all others many don’t. Don’t beat yourself up if they come to an end, but behave as honorable as that title you are carrying. Remember that being a submissive or a dominate is something that is done with honor and integrity. It is a way of being, not a title you slip on or off.

Thank you for reading this lengthy Article!