Archive for the ‘D/s relationship advise’ Category

In “regular” BDSM Lifestyle the highest goal is to be allowed to go to being fully collared and have the great privilege of signing a “Slave Contract”. To many online submissives that too is still a dream that they hold very dear to their hearts. That is until the coveted day finally arrives and the Contract in question is being offered by the Master/ Mistress/ Dom/ Domme etc.

Now suddenly the reality starts setting in. A contract is binding, is not something you can walk away from without serious repercussions and in many ways is for life. Depending on which Contract we speak of, they can go for a timed period (training or short term position) to a full Ownership / Property which in ideal circumstances will go until one of the participants dies. A very exciting and also very scary thought for many submissives, isn’t it.

Now, again let us put a dose of reality into this. No matter what you may wish to be true, we must understand that this Contract is only binding to ourselves and our honor. It would never stand up in a Court of Law and matter of fact could cause both parties quiet a few problems, should they be stupid enough to try to take legal actions against each other. I do hope that we are all on the same page about that one here.

I have often been asked by several different Mistresses if I knew a website that had good standard slave contracts that she could just print and send to her boy. I am very sorry, but my answer always has to be no to this one. Just like I don’t believe in “registering” my boys in an online “Slave Registry” for many common sense reasons, neither do I believe in using “generalized” and standard slave contracts.

Each slave is an individual with very specific needs, desires, gifts and offerings that he/she brings to their potential “Owner”. Each has undergone a different journey to this point and in some cases has a different destination ahead of him/her. For me to use such a “run of the Mill” contract that someone other then either of us thought up would be not only an injustice to the sanctity of this very honorable position, but also demeaning in my eyes to my-self (I can’t think for myself?) and my slave (he/she can’t think for them-self?).

So how do I work this particular situation? Simple, if it is a times or position based contract that I wish to extend then I will write the Contract and offer it after a consideration period to the particular applicant. Since this is not a lifetime position or even a long term position it will be a very basic contract, clearly stating the position and time frame in question. It will cover the requirements of said position and the “how to fill them”. It will show clearly, what will happen (disciplinary actions) if the position is not filled as has been agreed upon (time frame and amount / work). It will have a safeguard (in case of emergencies coming up for the slave – loss of job (will have to be proven), sudden long term illness (again subject to proof), or unforeseen circumstances (family illness, travel for job, etc) in which case an extension will be granted without penalties). A buy out will also be written in, incase the person is not able to fill the position or has ended up changing his/her mind and wishes to do the honorable thing. In that case, they can use the “buy out” clause to end the contract without causing the Mistress any undue inconveniences. (For financial Domination). Remember not to be honorable, can cause you potential problems in finding a new Mistress later on. We do talk to each other and often comments on the Internet are widely available.

In the case of a long term or lifetime slavery, I require to slave to put a lot of work in. Instead of me writing the Contract, I am forcing him to really consider his actions by making him/ her write the contract and presenting it to me for inspection before we BOTH sign and date it. In some cases I may even ask a third person as Witness to sign with us.

What should the Slave put into this sort of very old school and official type of Slavery Contract?

His/her real name, followed by the slave name I have begifted him/ her with. His full date of birth and location. The date he/she began serving me and what his/her position in my house / temple (virtual, long distance or real time) has been so far and he/she aspires to be.
The reasons he/she feels they should serve me in such a manner and what “crimes” (reasons he/she feels he is “inferior” to me) has committed that warrant a lifetime or long term servitude as slave. (Remember that is the erotic sexual fantasy part here. So if he is a dirty little cum eater who can never get enough cock – that is a reason he can add. If he finds that he is an “inferior male” in front of this particular Goddess in the forenamed position then that too is a reasonable “crime” to add).
The limits he/she begs me to accept and honor and the boundaries he/she may wish to have pushed in due time.
The punishments that he/she understands will happen if he/she willfully breaks the agreement of the contract (usually a punishment is removal of presence for a longer period of time, or dismissal in extreme cases). The disciplinary actions and penalties which may occur if he/she should forget his/her place.

A personal Note (often a worshipful prayer) to the Mistress / Master that speaks from the heart of his/her devotion.

If it is part of a harem/ hisem, you may want to have him/her include their respect to the sisters and brothers in service of the household and the understanding of his/her station in regards to them.

An alpha slave (number 1) will pledge in that case protection over his “little” sisters and brothers in the absence of the Owner. State the agreed upon rights and privileges, but also responsibilities in regards to being the right hand of the Owner. (This will be witnessed by the lesser slaves if possible). Remember that an alpha will be held partially accountable of the failure of good service by those under his/her care. Being an alpha (Temple Priest) is a double edged sword.

A closing Note with the desire that he/she may have his contract accepted.

Space for both signatures, dates and witnesses if necessary. Some of these contracts can be quiet long. In some cases up to 3 to 4 Pages long and will be doubled with one copy staying with the slave and the other for the Owner.

Now the contract will be delivered respectfully to the future Owner, who will read it over carefully. Question if necessary unclear parts and either accept it as is or will order revisions if necessary. Once a contract is signed it is standing.

Personally, I believe that a Contract should be revisited every few years and adjustments made as necessary. Medical conditions, mental conditions, financial conditions, household conditions all can change and must be taken into consideration at that particular time.

Limits change and need to be adjusted as well. Remember that as you grow older, your body and mind will change as well. You will not always be able to do certain things you once used to be able to do.

Remember that no matter which rights you may sign away in your “slave contract”, you still remain a human being and as such will have issues to deal with. Ironically most of the time some of the biggest issues mentally always seem to test you right after you have signed the Contracts and that is when it truly becomes a testing ground as to how honorable and dedicated both Master/Mistress and slave are.

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ALL MY WRITING is copyright to me and is not to be republished in part or in total without my consent. Feel free to link to my Articles, but please make certain to give me the proper credit. Thank you as always for reading!

Goddess Bella Donna

Ok, drum roll please! This is going to be partially one of these utter duh articles that most sadly still overlook! So in order to be my lovely self _ Captain Obvious_ , I have decided to type them down for those of you, who seldom think past the dick or the money!

#1 You forget the word Relationship in the equation!
There is a super big difference between a casual draining, a fly by tributing and actually building a financial domination Relationship that could / would go to full Ownership. Most seem to overlook the meaning of the Word Relationship in the equation here. Which simply means, you are not only getting together to drain, to stroke or to “get off”. You actually have to be willing to get to know the opposite partner in a “non-sexual”, “non-fetish” manner. Which means you have normal conversations and are “loyal” unless otherwise discussed. Mix in the fact that you won’t have “sex” unless you are actually real time, in a couple situation and that is part of your agreement (24/7, husband / wife – Mistress/Master / slave/ pet/ sub) and you have an entirely different dynamic all together. However, since males by their nature have a problem being comitted and staying comitted (biology / psychology – don’t make me pull proof and schoolbook texts) it is never easy to build and stay in a relationship that is “not hands on”. So you need to be doubly willing to work through the good, the bad and yes the ugly.

#2 The Brain is in the skippies!
I grinch, and I mean I grinch, everytime I read about stiffies in either genders underwear. It is a natural fact of life that you will get aroused and since this is an adult fetish definately has its place, but when it in the end comes down to just the “stiffness factor” then you have already lost the Game. Why? Because if someone can not think past their arousal, they will not be in it for the long run. They are always looking for greener grass on the other side. Now since most males seem to get off on having a lot of “brothers in service” that may not be a problem, until you can no longer “provide” that arousal for your Miss.

#3 Different Brain Waves!
If you have a Domina and a sub who are on two different Brain Waves, you might as well click the heels and go back to Kansas. In order for a longstanding Relationship to work, you do need at least the equal Brain Power in each. If you have a sub who is super smart coupled with a Domina that thinks being cute is all it takes, but her brains are a bit on the lower region you are asking for disaster. Eventually the Boobies and the Ass will stop dominating (usually right after the first orgasm) until the next “oh baby, baby I will do anything for you” comes along again. Remember that domination comes with the mind, not just with the body. Yes, you do have to have an attraction to each other. Personally, if I have to put a plastic bag over your body so I can stand being in the same room with you there is a problem. But come on, it isn’t all about the looks.

Turn that around. A Domina that is highly intelligent and has a sub for service that still has an issue putting two and two together, then there is an issue to. She will constantly be bored, aggravated and disappointed by him. He just doesn’t have what it takes. Likewise he will be hurt and frustrated, because he won’t know what the hell she wants half the time.

#4 Making it too complicated!
I know a few Ladies who pride them-selves on their over the top high standards. Those are wonderful for certain, but when you get into a Relationship you better learn to do some compromises. Again not fly by or casual drainings here, but relationships. Why? Because NOBODY is PERFECTION. Get over it already, that is a turn on catch phrase. If you are so darn perfect you wouldn’t be here, because the world would already know you as perfect and you would be too busy solving real problems besides what color you want to paint your toenails today, for which you need to take a poll. Ok, that was harsh, but sorry lets keep it simple.
Make your Rules with the old Wisdom in mind. You can’t win every battle, nor can you fight each battle. Make the decision which is the most important to you and stick to them. Make the Rules clear and remember that every humann being is different from each other, so keep that in mind.

#5 Can shaking mislabelments!
Yes, I am going there! There is a difference between constant can shaking and making your wishes known in a precise way. If you can’t speak up about what you want, (males seldom are good at taking hints by the way – sissy gurls are too wrapped up in their own panties to even notice the hint) then you will never receive it. But there is a difference between your entire life is one big … I want, I deserve, I have to have, gimme, gimme now … and a mention in between other information. Now EACH ONE OF US LADIES, will blog, talk, or tell you what we want. The difference comes in how it is done. Blessing to those of you Ladies who I just did misjustice too and you NEVER have asked for anything. I beg pardon! Don’t go highwire on me. But in general, if you are in a Relationship and all you do is ask for stuff and never give anything valuable in return, then keep those luggages backed for your next glamarous vacation, because your wallet boy is going to get tired of you sooner or later.

#6 Poor little hurt me….leave the baggage at the door!
I am one of the first to admit that I flat out say, that I am disgusted with most of the players on both ends. The reality is that out of 100 Dominas and subs you MAY find 10 who are at least trying to be real about it all, and out of those 10 you have 1 or 2 who are and are always trying to get better at what they do with the shifting times. Guess what, WE are HUMAN, WE are going to get HURT. So here is the deal. I will honestly tell you in the beginning that I don’t expect you to come through for me, now it is up to you to shock the shit out of me and proof me wrong. I am going to do my part to show you what type of DOMINA I am. That doesn’t mean I am the same sort as Lady Lovelylocks, Miss AllZAT, Mistress Kissmyass or Princess Loserfucker… I am me! I have my very own ways, my very own style and I love being who I am. Like I said before. I am not perfect, but Iam perfectly me. That is all you are getting, you don’t get more then that. So yes, sure tell me your woes once and then get over it already. If it becomes an excuse for breathing, please get out of the fetish for a while and relax for a bit. Heal first! You need to heal for your own good. Rebounds seldom work out.

#7 What the blazes do you want?
Guess what folks, we both need to know what we want. If you don’t know what you want from the opposite, then how can they give it to you?
I have gents come on here and complain that “We demand too much and that it is not good to constantly have demands made”, then you have the opposite two minutes later. “I want to be told to give…Make me! But don’t be pushy!” Fuck me a river boys. What the heck would you like? How about I create you a little computer you can load the photo of your favorite Porn Actress into and then compute what you feel like doing today. There you go, problem solved, hot and no brains but those you give her. Reality check lovebugs, you need to figure out what you want first then come at us and then find the right match.

Ladies, same thing. Either you want something or you don’t. If you can’t figure out what turns you on, (besides shopping and spending they guys money yadda yadda yadda – read some profiles sometime they are better then the sunday comics) they can’t give it to you. And please, please, please don’t be surprised when a boy calls you out if you are a bit on the silly side.

#8 The human factor!
If it becomes routine we are out of here. It takes both ends to work on a Relationship to make it sweet. Both ends…

#9 We only call them boys!
NO Tomato throwing please! Guess what, we only calls the gents on here, boys, bois, gurls etc. In reality I would hope that they are at least to a minimum adult men. With other words, stop treating them like they are your sons. Give a bit of credit to their intelligent, until of course they have proofen to you that they are retarded idiots who still need you to wipe their asses and tie their shoes. In that case you can have him. I raised my offspring, I am here to have a wonderful fun time with my subs. Personally I prefer a Warrior Sub to a little boy that thinks he can any day. Why? Because I know that he won’t fall apart the first time I tell him where he can shuff it. Please, the term boy is a turn on phrase. Remember the first powerful female influence in your life * your mother*…. You are not his Mother!

#10 Liar, Liar, Pants on fire!
Pay attention to shifts in conversations sometime. You see those that always agree, and can’t keep their own mind in one spot. There is a difference between seeing the reason behind something and agreeing that their is a valid point, and just saying oh yes… because so many others have. How is that being a Liar? Because you are lying to even yourself. Guess what, whatever you say you have to be able to stand behind. I have changed my opinions on a few things in the past as well, and have openly admitted to it, but then if you go back over my written records you can see where I personally want to just take a big fat stick and analize someone.
Lies, broken promises, wrongful presentation of facts, slander, annoying people just to get a reaction from them, being an idiot just to get attention all those are forms of lies and guess what need to be done as little as possible.

Money as the tie in, but not the major object!

There are very few submissive males that I find so interesting to converse with that the thought of tribute simply flies out of my mind, but when one of those rare treasures in the raw find me, it is as if I just opened the most exciting new journal and I am about to write a wonderful tale inside its blank pages.

As a writer, a poet and an artisan my thoughts are often very visual, very romantic and very fanciful in nature. I am an extreme personality with very little to hold my interest in between. In order for me to be enticed, I must be amused, interested, my curiosity sparked and my interest garnered. With other words those that are submissive must come at me with more then just the same old dry remarks.

Every Lady loves to be worshiped, needless to say we Mistresses are the biggest Diva’s there is. Hell give us a spotlight and we are more colorful then a male peacock, but for me the flattery will not get you everywhere. Matter of fact I have heard the same words so often that I often just roll my eyes.

I can just see you going, well that is not fair. How are we supposed to get your attention then? I didn’t say you couldn’t worship me, praise my power and beauty. As a submissive Goddess Worship should be one of the standards, but ironically I have heard better worship on a Niteflirt Call from a vanilla kinky caller with absolutely no BDSM background. His words were poetic, beautiful and the tone of voice struck a cord deep within my very core.

Most Mistresses have a wide range of personal interests. Now I don’t know about you, but if I was to try to find someone to serve, I would want to get to know that person first? Instead of going hot and heavy for the “stroke me kill”, why not ask her some questions about her own life.

The sweetest introduction I have ever had from a submissive mail online came in form of a Poem he wrote for me. There was no gimme in it, nothing at all but pure prayer coming from his lips to the paper. It was a prayer to be permitted to get to know me, the breath I inhale, the beauty I behold from my eyes.
It was not only touching, but it was different. He had my attention because he went out of his way to please me. Now how did he know I would not just brush him aside? Because he read, he read a lot about what I had to say.

Not only similarities attract, but often it is the opposites that keep me interested in you. For example I have a love for learning languages. Entice me, give me something new to learn, feed my intellect. What about finding out about my hobbies and lets just talk about them for a while? How many of you know for example what I paint? You know my erotica doubtlessly because so many of my places I hang out are purely Adult, but what else do I love to draw? What poetry do I write? Did you know I have been published for my Poetry and have gotten an award for it?

I have personal fetishes that turn me inside out and upside down, but do you really know what they are? Oh no my darlings, I do not have my private deep seated fetishes published because they are private to me. You have to ask me about them, work to get them out of me. I am handing you an in to give me pleasure, but you see once you know what brings me that pleasure, that sparkle in my eyes, I expect you to do something about it.

I prefer to have you give to me because you love me. Yes, my subs should worship me and love me, otherwise it is ridiculous. If I am to become your morning and your evening star, the moon and sun for which light you live, the air you breathe, then you need to get to know me first.

Likewise I need to know you. I invite all those that seek to tell me about themselves and I always get the same answers. Their name, their fetish, their age…it is always about their fetishes. Not once have I heard someone tell me, …I am the 3rd out of x amount of children. When I was ….I had a cat named….. I love to read and go for long walks..
You get what I am saying. I don’t want to have to drag everything out of you.

Entice me, intrigue me, enchant me and I will reward you richly. Remember that we are each out for something very special. We each have an agenda. The money, the gifts is a bonus, but that is it. If you can’t give me that which will get me interested in you however, then yes all I will want from you is money!

So give me something else to focus on and lets discover each other. That can be an exciting ride all in itself. But the moment you start with the strokes, I will take the cash!

No matter how much you care for another human being, no matter how much you try, there may come a time when you just have to accept that you are no longer compatible. This is a reality regardless if you are in a vanilla relationship or a D/s relationship.
Considering how much effort you have to pure into a D/s relationship, the honesty that is a requirement for both partners and often the “us against the world” attitude you have to adept in a day by day walk, breaking a D/s Relationship can be even harder then you first imagine.

The first issue both ends may be feeling is the guilt and feeling of responsibility for each other. After all you still care for that person you have connected with so deeply, but you have simply started going different directions. That can often happen when one of the partners can no longer handle the lifestyle for physical or emotional reasons. If one has started to get entirely too extreme then the other can handle. If the dominate has lost their personal power due to outside influences and in some cases due to outside influences. The memories of wonderful times shared are there, but the reality only makes those memories cause for depression. In most cases one or both sides is trying to hang on as long as they can. Remember that a D/s relationship is just like a “marriage’ in a sense only much deeper and more involved on both sides. A good dominate has learned to read the very breathing, the flinches, the way their submissives body is held and knows what that person needs. A submissive often by that point has learned to read the lift of the eyebrow, the look in the eyes, the slightest hand movement to understand what is required of him/her. That is not something you will find in most vanilla relationships.
The thing to remember here is that your first priority should be that your partner is happy and staying in an unsatisfactory or even toxic relationship is never good. Remember that there is a big difference between being submissive and co-dependent.

The misunderstanding that just because you are owned you can not undo the relationship.
No matter how restrictive your Rules are, as a Slave / Property you retain one right regardless. That is the right to leave the relationship. If you feel that you can no longer handle the place of servitude you are in and you need to remove your collar or ask to be released, your Owner may make sure you are certain you want to take that final step, but can not stop you from doing so. Likewise your Owner can dismiss you out of service if he/she feels you are no longer within your servitude or he/she can no longer fulfill their responsibilities as your Owner. If your Owner tries to stop you, you don’t walk you better run out of this relationship. Financial domination is no different in that fact. One of my Priests has asked me to release him from my service and the only answer he received was; “Are you certain that is what you want? This is final!” His answer was a yes and I released from my site and my service. Blessings on your journey little one.

Once you have ended the relationship, I advise you not to jump right of the bet into the next one. Of course if you are a His/Harem Keeper you may not find that so difficult, but it is still not advisable to try to replace the missing person right of the beginning. There comes a natural period of sorrow, doubt if you could have done better etc. (I am talking about longstanding relationships here and mostly real time as well). A word to the submissives – please don’t think just because you have been trained by your former Owner that you are not trained. If you find a new Mistress/Master in time, you will have to undergo a new training process. Often it is more difficult to train someone that has been in for a while and has already been owned before. Instead of a new clean slate, you at times have to undo some habits and thought patterns that you as the new Mistress may not find so pleasing.

Do not talk “shit” about your former partner unless of course their has been honest abuse. In that case I hope you warn anyone that is even thinking about taking that person on. However I see that a lot with broken relationships. Just because it did not work out for your, doesn’t mean that the person is a bad person suddenly. You have simply grown apart. Remember the good times and appreciate the devotion you have shared.

Allow yourself a time of reflection! Sit back and don’t ask your “friends” what they think. Your friends were not there 24/7 with you and they will often have jaded opinions. Look first to yourself and examine what has brought you to this place. Take time to understand your needs, fears and experiences. I always advise those beginning in BDSM to be brutally honest with them-selves. You should never hide your real nature from yourself, even if it scares and shocks you. If you can’t embrace who you are, nobody else we be able to do so either. If part of the reason you have lost your relationship was that you have noticed yourself more drawn to towards the opposite side (slave to Dom and reversed) don’t be too hard on yourself. Understand that there may be some in the future who will try to make your new to you orientation less legit because they consider them-selves “natural born” , but allow me my 2 cent opinion on that one please. Nobody is naturally born anything. You may have tendencies towards one end or the other, but in the end you will be at best “re-born” into your-self as you mature in age and experience. BDSM is a lifetime of learning and nobody is ever completely done.

Stay away from negative influences. At this stage you are most easily influenced and brought down. Yes even Dominates can suffer after a break up. Remember that we are People as well and not some sort of heartless milking machine that just wants to suck you dry. Right now you need neither falsely sweet “Friends” nor negative nellies.

Don’t jump the gun on breaking up. Remember that every relationship goes through some tough times. D/s is no different, matter of fact because of its intensity I would consider it even more likely. Communication between adults is never easy and depending on the “mentality” of the sub and Dom it can be often even more difficult, which is a shame. When communications break down in a D/s relationship it is often much more dangerous then in a vanilla relationship. In a D/s physical “hardships” are often part of the scene, not to mention the mental retraining of the submissive. So if you feel that D/s relationship fall or stagnate it is time for “free conversation” , with other words….”May I speak freely Ma’am!” Or slave it is time to speak freely!

If it can’t be fixed, don’t linger! Just staying around and hoping things will change again is futile after an extended period of time. If the issues have persisted and even gotten worst after several months and you are now instead of looking forward to being in your place hate the very thought of it, then please take the walk of honor. With other words, be truthful, respectful and depart.

D/s relationships can last a lifetime, but like all others many don’t. Don’t beat yourself up if they come to an end, but behave as honorable as that title you are carrying. Remember that being a submissive or a dominate is something that is done with honor and integrity. It is a way of being, not a title you slip on or off.

Thank you for reading this lengthy Article!